Mind/Body Medicine Alliance - Mind/Body Psychotherapy

How to Stop Judging, Find Peace & Get Closer to Enlightenment

2011-01-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

Have you read a million books, seeking the secret to enlightenment…or just the secret to being happier? Many of these books say the same thing, just differently. You’ve read it a hundred times and you really do know the way. You have the car, you have the gasoline …you even have the key! So, what is in the way?

Let’s start with your expectations. If you think enlightenment is experiencing bliss while being surrounded by misery, then I believe we have different definitions. I’m sure that the enlightened spiritual leaders of our various spiritual paths do not intend to lead us towards indifference.

I see enlightenment more as: a) a true acceptance of what is, b) embraced in a compassionate heart, and c) in a sea of peace. It is not continuous bliss; it is not constant happiness. It is presence with peace.

So here’s some good news about attaining enlightenment, 1) it’s doable and 2) it just takes practice. There’s only ONE -- yes, just one thing we must do to attain it – and you already know this one thing.

Another piece of good news is that you do not have to be cured of all your neurosis in order to attain it. You see, there is no judgment in enlightenment.

Judgment is the darkness… it is the peace disrupter; it is the impatience, the anger, the stress, the illness, the hurt, the guilt, the anxiety, the depression, the jealousy, the envy, the revenge, the procrastination, and above all, the fear.

We judge ourselves, and judge ourselves for judging ourselves. We judge others and judge ourselves for judging others. We judge others for judging others and judge ourselves for judging others for judging others. We are immersed in conscious and unconscious judging. It is what keeps us from peace, and feeds a peaceless world.

We have been given the tools to heal ourselves, and I would like show you how to use them. It is not “poof - you’re enlightened”, the tools help you do the necessary work, and it is work. You will have to face your fears, your tears, your sneers – it’s the path you must walk. If you think meditating once in a while or attending a spiritual service once in a while will get you there, think again. It’s a minute by minute path – with an inner guide provided to keep you on the path.

Most of you have already heard that “believing is seeing” (rather than “seeing is believing”). For those of you who are not yet familiar with this concept I offer a brief explanation. You have thoughts – some of them you have faith in, which turns them into beliefs. Example: “The world is flat”, is a thought, but not a belief (hopefully!). Thoughts do not influence our lives like beliefs do. Our beliefs are reflected back to us, mainly because we expect that picture of reality – so we tend to fade out those things that do not match our beliefs. That’s why we tend to “see what we believe”. The difficult part of this phenomenon is that we may believe things that limit our ability to be healthy and happy. Then when someone comes along and tries to show us that what we are seeing is incorrect, we think they’re nuts, naive, insensitive, or just plain wrong. What’s real for us is created by the beliefs we live with. This is where the statement, “You create your own reality” comes from. Beliefs are not always easy to change, but they most certainly can be changed.

If you are a very unhappy person, you might want to employ the help of a therapist, someone trained to help you journey into your Self. Otherwise, without that support and some good tools, when painful things come up to consciousness the tendency is to run, deny, project, rationalize, depress, etc. etc..

As I said earlier, you own the car, you’ve bought the gas, you even have the key – you just don’t know how to turn the ignition on.

So, learning to find where the key goes and how to turn it, in your quest for happiness and enlightenment means learning how to not judge but, instead, see, understand and feel compassion … for yourself, and for others. Compassion means employing one’s ability to mentally understand and emotionally care. It’s the mind and the heart, in unison.

Seeing, understanding and feeling compassion for all the ways we humans err, fear, and scare ourselves and others is a very, very large task.. You may be wondering, if I do this work will it really bring me to enlightenment, peace and happiness. I can tell you that it will allow you to experience inner peace, it will show you your true happiness and it will lead you to enlightenment. If you want to meditate until bliss opens magically – that’s another way. It’s worked for some, I understand. I also know of people who've lived in ashrams for years and came out as confused as they went in. My guess, and it’s just a guess, (because I haven’t done a study) is that the people who achieved enlightenment were also applying the spiritual principles of turning judgment into compassionate understanding. So, there you have it…in a nutshell! Now let’s talk about the exact way one turns judgments (both conscious and unconscious) into compassion?

I want to start with a term I made up back in 1989 – “Wall Words”. Wall words are words that judge, label, and put up a wall to understanding and compassion. One example of a wall word is “stupid”, another is “lazy”, and another is “selfish”. Let’s use the word “stupid” to demonstrate what makes it a Wall Word. A person makes a mistake, you think they should have known the correct way, you think, “this person is stupid”. That label ends the understanding, and the compassion from happening. It could be that the person never had the ability or opportunity to learn what was required to do it correctly. Another possibility is that that person, due to a worry or upset was distracted from what they were doing, leading to the mistake. There may be other reasons. What’s important is that if you stop at the label of “stupid”, nothing is understood, nothing changes for the better, and feelings of failure, anger, guilt, and fear of rejection remain. Also, a wonderful opportunity for compassion and connection is lost. So each time you find yourself using words that block understanding and compassion towards your self or another, stop, seek to understand on a deeper level, add compassion – and notice that your connection to yourself or to the other person deepens and strengthens.

This is the practice. As you chip away from the darkness of judgment a new light is able to shine through -- illuminating a heart felt, connected, peaceful and joyful experience of life.

Suffering

2010-11-17T06:41:00.000-08:00

The Budda said, “Life is suffering.” I know suffering, but I respectfully would like to disagree with the Budda. We all know suffering, and some of us have had more then our fair share, but life is -- just that… life is.
Suffering is a response to self-blame, not to life. When we perceive that the unkindness of others or nature is somehow our due, our suffering is great. But when we feel no self-blame, when we truly know, deep in our heart, that we are good, we are innocent - then we take the life handed to us without suffering it. That is not to say that we don’t feel disappointment or sadness, or even a spark of anger - but we do not carry it within us. We do not dwell on the upset, we move forward, focusing on the solution.
Our lack of self-blame allows us to be in touch with our true self, our innocence, our deservingness, and we move forward standing upright - not doubled over in pain. It is not suffering. We are feeling our feelings and our strengths, hopes, confidence… our self-love. We are moving forward in acceptance of what is.
If you defend your right to feel wrong or deny it when you do, you will experience life as suffering. But… you can be free of suffering and you can experience life as is -- and then choose to focus on the love, the good, the cup half-full.

A Quote from a Harry Potter Book

2010-10-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

I heard Oprah quote from a Harry Potter Book recently. My memory might not have it exactly as it was stated but it went something very, very close to this, “The happiest man alive would be the one who looks in the mirror and sees exactly who he is”.
Most women or men looking in the mirror see their physical flaws, past mistakes and/or failures, and remember experiencing unkindnesses from others. I say this with confidence as I’ve lived my own life, have friends and family and have worked with hundreds and hundreds of clients who experience this kind of seeing. Is there truth to this quote? My answer is, “Yes.” This is how I see it: I believe each of us is on a journey towards reaching this experience of happiness when looking in the mirror. We spend a little or a lot of time, depending on our needs and our personality, correcting the negative beliefs we carry. Each time we correct a mistake belief in our self-concept we feel a bit happier with our self, we become a bit kinder to our self, and often, that kindness then gets extended to others. When we have corrected all of our mistakes in how we think about our self, when we have found compassionate understanding for all of our “flaws”, when we come to appreciate all of the lessons or gifts we received by having these “flaws” and when we have found self-acceptance and our innocence - then our reflection in the mirror will bring us joy… and a love so great and so strengthening that we will not only see it in our selves, but in everyone and everything. The life journey that requires facing our fears and touching our pain is rewarded ten-fold with joy. The love that is you may be covered by fear - but like the sun that is covered by clouds, it is there, it is real, and it shines!

MAKING FRIENDS WITH "UNFRIENDLY" EMOTIONS

2010-04-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

No one likes the painful emotions, the ones that make us sad and tearful, frustrated and angry, despairing, fearful or panicked. I believe that the reasons why the population of the United States is experiencing such an epidemic of depression is that we've been raised to either judge ourselves for having the pain or we haven't learned how to resolve the pain - so it's pushed into our subconscious for relief. We use excessive alcohol, sex, sugar, caffeine and nicotine to help us to suppress the pain. We also use excessive shopping, gambling, working, exercise, love obsessions and under or overeating to do this, as well.
As a psychotherapist in private practice for over 23 years I've heard more than a few depressed patients say that feeling their anger wouldn't help to change anything. Partly true -- feeling and expressing their anger may not change another person or situation, but it absolutely will change their mental/emotional/physical state -- giving them back their Vital Energy. Depression is not a feeling, it is a mechanism in which a person's Vital Energy (Prana, Chi)is used to hold down their uncomfortable emotional energy. The result is an inner struggle that depletes them, making them feel lethargic and unmotivated. In the case of anxiety, the person over-focuses on the upsetting emotion, getting locked into it and depleted by it. In both cases the individual is over-focusing, either by doing so directly (anxiety) or by focusing their Vital Energy towards it in resistence to it (depression). In both of these cases the patient would agree that the emotional energy they are stuck with is considered by them to be an "unfriendly" one - a painful one.
What's the antidote? How can we learn to face rather than run from pain?
The process of making friends with our pain starts with understanding that all feelings (whether emotional or physical) are friendly messengers -- coming to us for the purpose of keeping us whole and healthy -- not to hurt us. If we can stay with that thought rather than reverting to the thought that it is some kind of punishment or failure on our part we have crossed the first hurdle in making friends with pain.
The second step is using the signal to look deeper inside of our thoughts and beliefs to find the self-blame that is the underpinning of emotional pain. How are we blaming ourselves for the pain? Here's an example - if I like my brown eyes, and someone comes over to me and tells me that I have ugly eyes because they are brown, I will not be upset because I do not agree. If, instead, I didn't like my eyes I would be in agreement with the persons statement and I would either become hurt (sad) or angry (a defensive stand against hurt) towards this person for saying that to me. If I use my pain as a signal to look inside - I can see that I am holding a negative belief about myself and I am now, being conscious of it, able to question it and change the negative belief into an atleast neutral one. Here's another example - if I am insecure about being smart enough to go to college, and someone with a college degree calls me "dumb", I will most likely feel insulted, and feel either hurt or angry towards them. But, if I were secure about my intellect and someone called me "dumb" I would probably just ignore it or chuckle. With no insecure idea inside of me to be triggered by the comment I would not react with pain. If I did, it would be an opportunity for me to explore my true beliefs about myself and have the opportunity to correct it. Correction is the name of the game. When our mind is filled with negative ideas about who we are, our emotions signal us, and provides us with the opportunity to make corrections. Life is much sweeter when we are not walking around carrying a load of negative beliefs about our selves. If you find that you need some assistence in changing the beliefs I highly suggest that you ask for help, from friends, family, and, if need be, a psychotherapist. Our beliefs about our selves influence every decision we make for our self. The better we think and feel about our selves the more we beleive we deserve and the better we treat our selves. There are no "unfriendly" emotions - only signals for the purpose of healing and strengthening you.

A HEALTHY MIND - WHAT IS IT?

2010-02-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

Physical Health is the result of:

1) the body’ ability to absorb and use proper nutrients and
2) the body’s ability to flow.

When there is a block in the flow illness develops. For example, with digestion, elimination, blood flow or liver functioning it is evident that flow is pertinent. Flow is energy in movement. Every aspect of the body/brain requires a constant movement of energy to maintain health. For the body/brain to receive the nutrients and immune responses there must be flow.

I would like to suggest that the intangible mind works in a very similar fashion to the body/brain. It needs both nutrients and flow, of the intangible energies.

Nutrients for the mind are comprised of higher or faster moving energies such as love, appreciation, gratitude, compassionate understanding, joy and affection. The lower or slower energies such as fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, greed and hatred do not nourish the mind, but all of these energies must flow for a mind to be healthy.

When the lower or slower energies become repetitive or stuck, it slows down the flow and the proper functioning of the mind. When a person is stuck in the past, repeating behaviors that are not appropriate to their current situation, when a person is close-minded and cannot make space for another person’s view, flow is blocked. For example, with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder people get stuck with a repetitive thought, such as checking to see if the door is locked over and over again.

The mind is made up of thoughts and beliefs. Beliefs have more influence on our behavior because they are thoughts we have given more trust or faith to, for whatever reason. Our attitudes, perspectives, emotions and defense mechanisms all spring from our beliefs. Our beliefs, therefore, influence how relaxed, stressed, anxious or depressed we are. The less relaxed we are, the less energetic flow there is. When the belief becomes repetitive it becomes debilitating and we become stuck. Whether it’s the flow of blood or the flow of beliefs and emotions, the body/mind needs this energetic movement to maintain health.

To maintain a healthy mind one must recognize their beliefs and emotions and express (in a safe and non-hurtful way) what they are believing and feeling. From this place they can choose to resolve or change what they are experiencing so that they can move on in a stronger and more peaceful way. By doing this they will create the flow needed and enable the nurturing higher energies to be experienced so that the mind will be a healthy, functioning aspect of the whole being.

E-Motion: Energy in Motion - Love Energy in Motion

2009-11-29T18:35:00.000-08:00

Energy begins with thought, whether that thought is conscious or unconscious. If the thought is not considered valid it will be dropped, but if it is considered valid it will move/expand into an emotion. If that emotion becomes strong enough, it will move/expand into an action. For example, if I design a chair and believe it would be a very comfortable and attractive chair, and I begin to desire it, become excited about having it, I will be moved to build it. If, instead, I doubt it's comfort and beauty I will not be excited about it and therefore not moved to build it. Here's another example, I am walking down the street and begin to think that I am being followed, and as long as I believe my thought is valid I would begin to feel fear - that fear will move me towards action, whether it be hailing a cab or going into a store. If I stop believing in that thought (maybe because I see the person I thought was following me go in another direction), the fear would dissipate and I would no longer feel a need to take action. Bottom line: thoughts that are believed to be valid lead to emotions, those emotions, if strong enough lead to action.

So, let's talk about love -- whether it is love for one's self, a son or a daughter, a parent, a relative, a friend, a significant other or even a pet. What is the action resulting from this emotion called love? What is loving behavior?

There are many nice gestures that can be made towards ourselves and others, such as being monitarily generous, that are not necessarily the result of the energy of love. Sometimes, even though a person may actually feel love, other feelings they have may supersede their ability to behave lovingly. This is evident with child abuse - many of these parents feel love for their children, but cannot behave lovingly because other emotions overide it. When that parent can resolve those other emotions and have more self-love they will become able to behave lovingly towards their child/ren. The more we know how to behave lovingly towards our self the better we are at behaving lovingly towards others.

So, let me share with you my thoughts on what behaviors are love based. I call these the four "food groups" of love:
1) Recognition: The willingness to truly see what is true and real. The opposite would be denial.
2) Compassionate Understanding: The willingness to understand, with empathy. The opposite would be judgment.
3) Acceptance: The willingness to truly accept. The opposite would be rejection.
4) Faith in...: The willingness to trust/believe in/support a persons potential. The opposite would be distrust.
Love is made up of these four behaviors, working in concert. The energy that flows from this is uplifting, powerful, strengthening and healing.

Do you offer this to your self? If you don't it is possible to learn to do so. Love (the emotion), in motion becomes love, the behavior. It will be your rock. Once you can offer this to yourself it will flow naturally and easily from you.

THE TANGIBLE & THE INTANGIBLE, THE BRAIN & THE MIND

2009-10-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

In mind/body medicine it's important to differentiate between the tangible brain and the intangible mind. Both the tangible and the intangible are energy, vibrating at a different rate, but both equally powerful....and each influencing the other.
Our brain/body chemistry influences our mind (the way we think and feel), and it is important to look at how to influence that chemistry to create balance so that our thoughts and feelings are calm.
The mind, the intangible energy we generally believe is housed in the brain (newer thinking is that it is housed within every cell in our body) is an energy that influences our brain/body chemistry. Just changing the tangible brain chemistry will only create a temporary change, as the intangible mind will re-influence it , and will go back to being out of balance.
Unresolved anger, hurt, shame, guilt and fear set off tangible biochemical reactions that suppress our immune system, raise our blood pressure and creates stress and fatigue that leads to opportunistic infections, cardiovascular failure, the degeneration of muscles and the random growth of unwanted cells, as well as anxiety, panic attacks and depression. When we face this pain rather than run from it we can come to peace, on both the tangible and intangible level.
As a psycho-spiritual psychotherapist I see everything as one - no separation. I see separation as the source of pain and illness. When a person is filled with unhappiness the base-line of that experience is their unhappiness with themselves. They are separated from the truth of who they are, they have separated from themselves. When this is resolved the symptoms (anxiety, depression, etc.) disappear. When the symptoms and their cause disappear their body can begin to heal.
If you or someone you know has symptoms that are mental, emotional or physical - they are experiencing signals that the mind/body is out of balance. Pharmaceuticals suppress symptoms - and though they might be necessary in some cases, many people who need to face the upsets that are at the bottom of their illness or unhappiness won't. For a cure I highly suggest that people take a non-pharmaceutical approach to healing, including micronutrients and psychotherapy.

WHAT MAKES YOU...YOU.

2009-10-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

You may have heard that certain mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder (aka manic-depression) are caused by biochemical imbalances. Actually, when anyone is deficient in needed biochemical nutrients, that individual's moods and thinking process will be effected. I believe that is why so many Americans suffer from anxiety and depression.
There is a strong correlation between food and mood, primarily because foods are a very big part of influencing the biochemical soup within us. Being "out of balance" biochemically really means being undernourished in certain nutrients the human body and brain require.
But food isn't the only thing that effects our biochemistry.
It turns out that how we think and feel is a major contributor to our biochemical soup. Holding unresolved feelings of hurt, anger, fear, rage, etc. creates a chronic stress that drains our energy reserves, compromises our effectiveness and bathes our system with hormones that, over time, compromises our health and accelerates our aging process.
Here's the "kicker" -- our medical system is not doing anything to help us. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills merely mask the symptoms of our problem - our undernourished brain and body. The depression and anxiety is our body's call for help, for nutrients -- not for Prozac! We are not deficient in anti-depressants! Masking the pain means that we will not resolve what we need to resolve, and most likely continue to take these pills for years and years - maybe to find ourselves with an early case of Alzheimers. It's time to feed ourselves the nutrients we need. Not just the food and supplements, but the peace, self-love and self-respect needed for a relaxed and functioning mind and body.
Now, just let me add that I am not opposed to anti-depressants for a severe and disabling depression or an actively suicidal person, to keep them functioning until they get the real help they are needing and deserving. These pills can help, but need to be temporary. Take good care and be happy.
Carole

Self-Sabatoge and Change

2009-09-21T19:12:00.000-07:00

Welcome! This is my first blog….and I hope you will find it helpful… or at least thought provoking. I thought I’d start off with a discussion about the word “self-sabatoge” as it related to creating change. Self-sabatoge is a concept I do not believe in. Let me share why.

Yes, many of us find ourselves doing things that are not beneficial to us. Let’s put addictive substances aside for now and just focus on behaviors that don’t work out the best for us. Some of my clients have come in complaining that they “forget” to do things they’ve promised they would do that then makes other people angry with them, or they “forget” to do things for themselves that result in causing them extra work or losing out on something they want. Some are “always” late, some eat the “wrong” things or don’t eat when they need to. Of course, the list can go on. They come to therapy to learn how to “stop the self-sabatoge”. They are often upset and angry with themselves, sometimes confused or saddened by their behavior -- definitely wanting to change.

So, there a just a few important things to know about change:

1) All behavior is energy (just as all thoughts and all emotions are energy).

2) Change requires extra energy. When we are used to doing things one way, there’s a momentum. When we need to change the direction of that momentum -- go against
that momentum, a bit more effort is required.

3) “What you resist persists” Have you heard this expression before? Whatever we
focus on we actually give energy to. Resisting is a form of focusing on something,
and focusing on it will make it a stronger. Therefore, we have one of life’s paradoxes - what we don’t want and try to get rid of through resistance only guarantees that we will continue to have it. Don’t fret -- there’s an easy way ahead.

4) Acceptance! Now, you ask, “How do I accept something I want to get rid of?”
Energetically, if we are not focusing on that which we want to get rid of, because we
accept it, we can then begin to focus on the behavior we want to replace it with. But, if we are angry with ourselves it will be difficult to come to acceptance. So here is the most important and final step.

5) Find out why the behavior you want to get rid of is within you. No, it is not within you to create self-sabatoge. It has probably been a behavior that has been with you for a very long time, and one that started at a time and place in which it seemed that it was the best thing to do to take care of yourself (keep yourself safe from being emotionally or physically hurt). If you were very young it was probably the best thing your young self could come up with. Spend some time understanding that the intent of this behavior is self-love, and though it is not working for you, it is not there with the intent to work against you. You may never have learned the best behavior, and that will be your challenge now -- to find out how to go about learning how to behave. In some cases it may be very simple, for example, if you’re always late, figure out traveling time, dressing time, extra time for glitches and watch the clock. Other problems may be more complex and require guidance.

BUT - BEFORE YOU CAN BEGIN TO FOCUS ON THE NEW BEHAVIOR, YOU MUST DO THIS:

Thank yourself for the old behavior. Recognize it was there to help you, and let it go with love. Truly accepting it because it was the best and most loving thing you could offer yourself at that age and in that situation. LET IT GO WITH LOVE, and turn
your focus to the new behavior. With practice, the new behavior will begin to feel easy and natural.

If you stay angry with yourself because you think you ”should” have been able to do this year’s ago, understand that this isn’t taught anywhere, and that your “should” is unfair and unreaslistic -- be kinder, more understanding and compassionate towards yourself for not knowing what you needed to know to have a less stressful life and be pleased with yourself for doing it now.