Self-Sabatoge and Change

Welcome! This is my first blog….and I hope you will find it helpful… or at least thought provoking. I thought I’d start off with a discussion about the word “self-sabatoge” as it related to creating change. Self-sabatoge is a concept I do not believe in. Let me share why.

Yes, many of us find ourselves doing things that are not beneficial to us. Let’s put addictive substances aside for now and just focus on behaviors that don’t work out the best for us. Some of my clients have come in complaining that they “forget” to do things they’ve promised they would do that then makes other people angry with them, or they “forget” to do things for themselves that result in causing them extra work or losing out on something they want. Some are “always” late, some eat the “wrong” things or don’t eat when they need to. Of course, the list can go on. They come to therapy to learn how to “stop the self-sabatoge”. They are often upset and angry with themselves, sometimes confused or saddened by their behavior -- definitely wanting to change.

So, there a just a few important things to know about change:

1) All behavior is energy (just as all thoughts and all emotions are energy).

2) Change requires extra energy. When we are used to doing things one way, there’s a momentum. When we need to change the direction of that momentum -- go against
that momentum, a bit more effort is required.

3) “What you resist persists” Have you heard this expression before? Whatever we
focus on we actually give energy to. Resisting is a form of focusing on something,
and focusing on it will make it a stronger. Therefore, we have one of life’s paradoxes - what we don’t want and try to get rid of through resistance only guarantees that we will continue to have it. Don’t fret -- there’s an easy way ahead.

4) Acceptance! Now, you ask, “How do I accept something I want to get rid of?”
Energetically, if we are not focusing on that which we want to get rid of, because we
accept it, we can then begin to focus on the behavior we want to replace it with. But, if we are angry with ourselves it will be difficult to come to acceptance. So here is the most important and final step.

5) Find out why the behavior you want to get rid of is within you. No, it is not within you to create self-sabatoge. It has probably been a behavior that has been with you for a very long time, and one that started at a time and place in which it seemed that it was the best thing to do to take care of yourself (keep yourself safe from being emotionally or physically hurt). If you were very young it was probably the best thing your young self could come up with. Spend some time understanding that the intent of this behavior is self-love, and though it is not working for you, it is not there with the intent to work against you. You may never have learned the best behavior, and that will be your challenge now -- to find out how to go about learning how to behave. In some cases it may be very simple, for example, if you’re always late, figure out traveling time, dressing time, extra time for glitches and watch the clock. Other problems may be more complex and require guidance.

BUT - BEFORE YOU CAN BEGIN TO FOCUS ON THE NEW BEHAVIOR, YOU MUST DO THIS:

Thank yourself for the old behavior. Recognize it was there to help you, and let it go with love. Truly accepting it because it was the best and most loving thing you could offer yourself at that age and in that situation. LET IT GO WITH LOVE, and turn
your focus to the new behavior. With practice, the new behavior will begin to feel easy and natural.

If you stay angry with yourself because you think you ”should” have been able to do this year’s ago, understand that this isn’t taught anywhere, and that your “should” is unfair and unreaslistic -- be kinder, more understanding and compassionate towards yourself for not knowing what you needed to know to have a less stressful life and be pleased with yourself for doing it now.